Hello September!

2 Sep

I love you September <3

You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.  That is something you have charge of.

Oh how I’ve missed you… You are my favorite month of the year! I love that “back to school” smell in the air. The mornings starting off cooler and putting on a light sweater for my morning walk.

I love how the leaves will soon start to change colors, I love Fall season fashion. Layers and fun sweaters and not to mention my ridiculous collection of boots that I get to dust off. Accessories with some cute hats and scarves. Eeee! I cant wait <3
Not to mention… My birthday is coming up on September 29th :) :)

Another month has come to an end, time to look forward to what’s coming up for me!! I always love the start of a new school year! A fresh start, new pens, pencils and papers :) Just eager to get to school to meet my new teachers and jump into my new subjects.

Now that Im a grown up and school is way back in past, I love looking at September  almost as my Happy New Year. Looking forward to some changes and some new adventures.

Basement Gym (not mine....yet)

We have started to build a small gym in our basement, with weights, a bench a cross trainer machine and even a little yoga section.
Im loving the new diet I’m on and with my little gym just a few steps away, I look forward to getting into shape. Winter is just around the corner… and its going to be a long ass winter here in Canada.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Open Letter to my disgusting Child Molester

31 Aug

For a good part of my life, I have tried to forget you and the things you did to me, that afternoon at your moms house while we were all playing hide and go seek.
I push you to the back of my mind and try to move forward with my own life as an adult woman/mother, but every once in a while, you creep your way back into my head and I start the process of all over again. Re-living that horrific day over and over.

sexual/child abuse

I was 5 years old. I was just a baby. On that sunny,crispy spring afternoon, I was so happy to be wearing my new pink crotchet dress my Grandma had bought me. It was my princess dress, it had white little bows at the hem of the skirt. I loved how it flared every time I spun around. I had a cute pink matching purse and white shiny shoes. I looked like a little princess.
How could I possible look like a sex object to you? I was only 5!!!!!
You gathered all the children upstairs and decided that we would all play hide and go seek. I remember you zeroing in on me, paying more attention to me and smiling at me. I remember your face as clear as day, all these years later, you are very fresh in my head, in my thoughts and in my nightmares.

How could you have violated me like that? Touching me, kissing me. I was five years old you mother F&$*#R!
I just wanted to play hide and go seek with all the other kids, but on that day…that very day… you killed my childhood.

You murdered me!

Do you know what has become of MY LIFE, since that day?
The pain and horrible shit I have been through? Do you have any clue how bad you messed me up. I’m  glad you got off that day, in the shower I was hiding in, because I’m still paying for your shit all these years later!|

I used to wish and hope that you were hurting somewhere… in pain… crying the way I did…
I dont know where you are anymore, I dont know if you’re even alive, but I’m sure that when you go to hell, you will burn in all eternity for what you did to me.
Over 20 yrs later, Im still dealing with what you did to me, and one day I will rise from this and I will get “me” back!

I fucking hate you!

Tags: , , ,

UPDATE: Weight issues & Anxiety

30 Aug

Lunch time

Ok so here is an update on my diet. I have been doing pretty good.
I havent weighed myself because our scale at home broke when I dropped it during our move here.
There have been my meals on a regular:

BREAKFAST

Special K cereal mixed with 1 cup of low fat yogurt (I cant drink milk)
a fruit (apple or banana)
2 bottles of water

LUNCH

Tuna  (150 grams)
Lettuce/tomatoes/cucumbers/onion Salad
2 bottles of water

MID AFTERNOON SNACK

1 bottle of water
crackers OR a pear (any fruit no more than 100 grams)

DINNER

Meal replacement shake
2 bottles of water

every time I feel a little hungy, I down a bottle of water, also sometimes I flip it around and have a meal replacement shake at lunch and have a light dinner.

Due to the killer heatwave here in Toronto, I have not been able to go for my little power walks up and down my street, but I will start as soon as it cools down a little bit.

Tags:

From Panic Monster to Mood Monster

29 Aug

its like a roller coaster ride

Since I’ve been off my meds, I have been through some crazy mood roller coasters that seem to come on a weekly basis.
I can feel like Im on top of the world. I feel like I can tackle anything and get so much done.
Then within a split second its like I’m a different person. I can go from feeling sad, gloomy, tired to absolute rage.

I think that my home environment has tons to do with it as it has been kind of crazy at home. Family visiting/staying in our home, fights with my husband, my 3 yr old toddler and his daily temper tantrums.

My husband is a pretty moody person, so it doesn’t help to have two diva drama queens in the same house.
Most of the time, I feel like I’m just cant do anything right. I anger him with every little thing I do.
My initial reaction and the norm to me is to defend myself and fight back, but this is getting old and fast in a hurry

So that’s ONE major trigger (i believe) that may be contributing to my outrages moods.
Another thing I would say is my medications, ever since I stopped taking any of my SSRI’s I feel like its been very hard for me to control my moods/rage.
I seem to have less and less patience with my everyday tasks and I just fill up with rage.

Up and down. Up and down. What a horrible way to live :(
When I’m all alone, with my thoughts and my calm surroundings, I’m 100% ok. Its when everyone else starts to join in my word, it see,s like I’m in a weird circus . I just want to plug my ears and scream and scream ata everyone to “shut the f*ck up”

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I have no choice, but to just face my fears

28 Aug

I really do hate Hospitals...

Going to my hospital once a week to meet with my therapy group is a ball of drama for me.  I mean, I have to prepare myself  on Sunday for my Tuesday afternoon sessions. The drive, facing that huge busy lobby, walking that mile long hallway to meet my group.. its just so overwhelming! I normally start my therapy sessions with a full blown 10/10 panic, so going to the hospital for any other reason  is a big NO!

Well yesterday I had to sit in the E/R for 6 hours… on a Friday!!! It was crazy busy, the nurses where rude, kids screaming and crying, old people coughing and hacking all over the place, unruly children running up and down the hallways… and oh my goodness lets not mention my “needle phobia” AAHHH!!!!!

My doctor sent me in with possible appendicitis, I was poked and probed like an alien and at the end of it all, I was sent home with 15 percocets ** I didn’t tell the doctor that I was addicted to them… I should have… but I didn’t, I just wanted the pain to go away :( **


They advised me,if I get a fever or if the pain gets worse, to come back…
Well the pain is worse and I think I have to go back…. to face this…

Hospital waiting room... HELP!

Just thinking about going back to this place is stressing me out!
The funny thing is, its not the possible surgery that is freaking me out, but sitting in a room with all these sick people around me, the chaos!! I cant handle the damn chaos!
Its next to impossible to try to even concentrate on a little meditation or breathing exercise with all this craziness going on. UGH!!!!

**I have only taken 1 pain killer and my hubby is hanging on to them, I feel confident that I wont abuse them, but its just better that he controls my intake. I think its the responsible thing to do considering my history.. you never know**

drama for me

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Anticipatory Anxiety has kicked my ass tonight

25 Aug

Anticipatory anxiety is anxiety that is felt prior to, or in anticipation of, an event that has previously caused one to become anxious. Many people experience this type of anxiety anxiety, and the anticipation is often worse than anything that may have occurred at the event anyway.
Anticipatory anxiety may be a precursor to a panic attack, or it may be part of a larger anxiety disorder, but sometimes it just occurs on its own without any feasible explanation. Some people experience anticipatory anxiety prior to events or activities they have never done before; the unknown becomes more fearful than the known.

Disturbed in concert

As part of my sobriety celebration, we got tickets for a rock concert in Toronto. These tickets where purchased months ago. At the time I was hoping that I would be able to attend a rock concert with out any issues of fear of the crowd.

All day today I was a ball of nerves thinking about the concert, the crowd, the drive, the walk to the seats, then doing it all again in reverse when the concert is all done.

I tried not to think about it…. I tried to relax, I even took some Ativan, but in the end nothing worked, and 2 hrs before the concert started, I cancelled.

I guess I’ve been pushing myself a little too much, with the shopping and the trip to Montreal. I just need to slow things down a bit and try a slower pace.

Im sad. I love the band Disturbed. Hopefully I will get a chance to see them again the next time they roll into town.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Happy Anniversary 2 Me !

25 Aug

Today is my 4th year anniversary of sobriety . YAY !!!

I am a recovered cocaine addict. I also mixed my coke with  percosets, morphine and oxycotin for many years.

my horrible addiction

I worked in a strip club and had incredible access to every drug under the sun. I had alcohol at work regularly but I never considered myself an alcoholic. Cocaine was my drug of choice.

On August 25th, 2006 was the day I decided to change my life and finally walk away from the demon’s grip that had a hold of me for over 10 years.
I had woken up in my bed after a 3 day cocaine binge. I felt like shit and needed some water. I walked by my calendar and realized that I had not gotten my period…

Still feeling hung over and twitchy from the partying I had been doing, I sat on the toilet, took my home pregnancy test and sat there waiting. It seemed like forever  and the whole time I was thinking… nah… this test is negative I need to get my ass back to bed.

Then I looked at the test, saw the PLUS sign and scared myself sober. WHAT!?!? IM PREGNANT?
I scrambled through my cabinet and found another home pregnancy test… I took it… same result.. and just like that I was 100% sober.

My husband and I had actually been trying to get pregnant, but we were having great difficulties. I was not expecting to become pregnant, it wasn’t looking good for many many months so I had given up.

I think deep down inside I was looking for an escape from the drugs. I needed to quit. I knew it was destroying my relationship. I knew it was hurting me. I consciously knew all of this but I just couldn’t stop. Rehab in my early 20s, quitting cold turkey, cutting off friends, leaving my job at the strip club, nothing worked… but my pregnancy changed everything.

I went through some horrible withdrawals during my 1st trimester. I had horrible nightmares, waking up sweating. I was so scared that I had done some damage to my baby. I was a mess!

Im sober

My pregnancy kept my head occupied. I had quit my job at the strip club that very day and on the Monday after my appointment with my OBGYN, I changed my cell number. I stayed home and nurtured my growing baby without ever looking back. Zero! Never again!

Now 4 years later, although Im still paying the price with my severe panic disorder, Im super glad that my little guy came along to save me. My husband also helped me through out the hard months of withdrawals and stayed by my bed side.

My son is my little guardian angel  and I thank him everyday for giving me the strength to kick my horrible demons, because if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here today.

Thank You My Love

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Blogger Spotlight: TelephonePanic.com

24 Aug

Since starting my blog and joining this online Mental Illness Community I have met some amazing bloggers who have shared some pretty incredible stories just like me. The bloggers I have become close to, merely through supportive words via our comments sections has been an enormous help in allowing myself to open up and share. It helps me see that “Hey! Im not the only one”

telephonepanic.com

Today I would like to share with you www.telephonepanic.com Here is her Bio:

I’m an anonymous woman with panic disorder.

I’m starting this blog as a personal project to help document my panic attacks. Every time I have one, I am going to call and leave a voice post with all the details.

My ultimate goal is for the panic to end and for this project to die.

I seem to have this strong connection with Miss Telephonepanic. We share tons of symptoms. I feel she totally ‘gets me’ when it come to my crazy thoughts feelings and emotions.
She has a unique blog where she can post via her telephone so she can actually post at the exact moment she is going through her attacks.

I love that she does this all via voice posts. Its raw and much more personal. You can hear it in her voice and I can relate to just about anything she is feeling at that very moment. My friend TelephonePanic has been super supportive and I admire her courage to not only tell us her story through her posts, but letting us hear her out. Literally.

So please visit my friend and check out her amazing story.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Bienvenue à Montréal!

23 Aug

Fear, Anxiety, Phobia associated with Driving.
Fear is a normal healthy response to unknown situations or situations where we perceive danger. People with a driving fear will often worry before a drive but resolve to get on with it as soon as they are out in the car – often forgetting the fear because they are so engrossed in the driving task.

The Highway of Doom

I think Im on a roll!

I absolutely dread driving on the highway. Actually the last time I drove on the highway was on April 28th, 2010. If I need to go anywhere, normally I get driven around, and the highway is mostly avoided, even as a passenger. I live 25 minutes from downtown Toronto. I have been able to go down there, but not via highway. So the thought of a road trip anywhere is completely out of the question for me…until a few days ago…

My hubby and I decided to jump in the car and take a 6 hour drive to Montreal. We had no real destination, but to just get in the car and go! We used to do crazy things like this years ago.
A family member spent the night at our place to watch the little guy, packed up the car and take the 6 hour long drive to Montreal at 11:30pm.

He drove us out of the city to our halfway point, Kingston Ontario then we switched till we got to the Ontario/Quebec border.

Welcome to Quebec!

It was pitch black and the roads where pretty empty, I put on my beloved iPod and just took my time and drove. I was however, on an Ativan, and technically, I should not be behind the wheel of a car, but I was so wired, so wide awake.. Insomnia was on my side. Lol.

I wasn’t hungry or sleepy.. just wired. I didn’t feel any sort of panic or anxiety, well not any that I can remember…(wow!)
We finally arrived and we decided to hit a casino and had a great morning. Still on no sleep! On the way back home, I even got pulled over and got a $250 speeding ticket!! I wasn’t even pissed, I was just happy that I was able to drive! Yay!

Six hours to Montreal and six hours back… TWELVE HOURS!!! Holy shit!
During the last 2 hrs, is probably when I started feeling anxious. My hubby set up the back seat of our SUV, made me a little bed and I finally went to sleep, right til we got to our front door.

Road Trip!

What a crazy adventure. I dont know what has come over me this past week, but Im starting to feel so much better.

However, I worry that I will hit a wall, like I usually do and just go from one extreme to the other.
…positive thinking…

Tags: , , , , , ,

…and just like that

23 Aug

Agoraphobia (from Greek aγορά, “marketplace”; and φόβος/φοβία, -phobia) is an anxiety disorder. Agoraphobia may arise by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape.

I have major issues with crowded spaces, open or closed. Malls, supermarkets, flea markets etc. I feel like if I get in the middle of the mall or supermarket I wont be able to get back out. I feel lost and confused..much like a little lab rat in a maze :(

If I have to go shopping, it cannot be during peak hours and I cant go alone. I usually have my “anticipatory attacks”  before I have to head. 99% of the time I have to take a Lorazepma/Ativan before I head anywhere and if it gets bad enough while I’m out, I just turn around and come home.

The Shopping Mall

Well this week I not only went shopping with my BFF, but we did it 2 days in a row!!!  I decided NOT to take my ativan before my outing and for the most part I felt ok. I just took things SLOW, I didnt rush through anything and I tried not to think about rushing home.
When we got to the restaurant to have lunch… BAM! It hit me!

The chaos of the crowded Chinese restaurant was too much for me. The buzzing around me was messing with my head. I had to plug my ears just so I can hear myself think.
The usual symptoms came over me like a tsunami:

  • racing heart
  • heavy feeling in my chest
  • dizzy
  • confused
  • fear of the people around me
  • thoughts of just wanting to go home

..which in the end I ended up doing. I went home. As soon as I got home, I took my ativan and about after an hour at home, I wanted to go back out :) I was ready to start all over again. So I did!!! I headed back out.

This is HUGE for meeeeee!!!! I feel like things (slowly but surely) are starting up for me again. I still cant believe I did this, and I really think my PosiBlog had a lot to do with it.

Me = Happy!

It turned out to be a fantastic exposure. I’m loving my therapy.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries